My first time

My first day with my personal trainer was very interesting, to say the least.  She was this young, cute, Asian girl with a big smile and perky ... everything.  Even though I didn't choose to go with the snarky little trainer dude who first approached me, this little girl made me feel just as intimidated at first.

I'm pretty sure she went easy on me the first day, and I don't remember exactly what she made me do (she still has my workout journal from way back then -- hey sweetie, if you're reading this, I want it).  All I know is that I was paying her a lot of money to make me feel terrible about myself.  That's not fair.  I take it back.  She was very reassuring and kind, and she was with me every step of the way. Yet, I still felt so insecure I could hardly keep the vomit down during my workouts for the first several weeks.

I'll never forget the first time she had me get down on a floor mat and do something face down, then turn over and do something else.  The exercises didn't matter, but what did matter to me was that I felt like a beached whale.  I couldn't turn over.  I wasn't obese, but my stomach muscles had atrophied so badly after two fairly consecutive pregnancies that it was impossible to turn over without using every other muscle in my body to help out.

That experience wasn't even my wake up call.  Weekly, I made excuses for why I couldn't change my diet: I was still nursing and needed the extra caloric intake to provide nutrients to my poor, helpless infant.  I made excuses for why I couldn't work out more: I can't leave my little ones in child care so much - they need me too much right now.  I made excuses for why I didn't have to get out of my maternity clothes: if I just pin them like this and like that, no one will ever know they're maternity clothes, and I don't want to spend money on clothes until I shrink more.

Interestingly, I began training a woman in her 50's several months ago, and the first time I made her do some sort of front to back thing on the floor, she made the same movement I did.  Only, hers wasn't from having low muscle tone from pregnancies, it was under-use over lots of years.  My experience helped me encourage her to keep going but to never forget that feeling of her "first time" on the floor. (I'm proud to say she's still training with me and becoming more and more fit each day.)

I hope I never forget that day, either.  I hope I can continue to use it to help others, and I hope it compels me to never be complacent with my body.  I want to keep pushing myself harder and harder to face my fears and rise above my challenges, to embrace the life of a true "badass" -- a woman who doesn't apologize for being courageous and getting the job done fiercely.