Do what now?

"You gotta loosen up," said my trainer, as I ran a sprint drill.

"I know, but..." my voice trailed off because I had nothing good to say in response. I might have said something about pipettes.

I wouldn't characterize much of anything I've ever done as "loose".

During my younger years, I had been a high-ranking cheerleader and high-jumper, which require precise movements.  I was in music, drama and dance.  I had laser focus, and I did fairly well.  I was also an excellent student in high school and made it into UCLA. I graduated with a degree in Molecular, Cell and Developmental Biology while working, volunteering and being active in a sorority.  After college, I helped support my husband and myself while he embarked on his medical school journey, some of it was through laboratory work prior to my entering graduate school (which included a lot of precise pipetting).  Finally, and most importantly, I was almost always a faithful Christian girl who followed the rules -- always a Christian, not always a rule-follower. 

I pushed my own limits and was a competitor and a star.  But rarely, if ever, did I let myself loosen, or else my very intricate house of cards would come tumbling down.  I tried to loosen up a few times, following my instincts rather than my intuition and beliefs, and I fell hard. And those falls left scars. I don't know how to loosen up just enough to accomplish something that needs a little levity without giving up all my control.  It's a terrible type A personality trait, but it's instinctual.

I know I'm there again: teetering on the edge of loosening up or keeping it all tight.  I've chosen exercises and routines that are "safe" and "tight".  Weight lifting is precise.  Strength training is, to me, a lot like dancing: if I learn the movements and do them correctly, I can achieve perfect form and excellent results. 

Boxing is, well, taking me out of my comfort zone, but that class is an aerobic/strength training class that is not designed to teach perfect form.  Of course, the boxing and kicking are the most frustrating parts of that class for me. Yet, the bag work strokes my inner badass and compels me to reexamine myself. (If my instructor is reading this, he's probably thinking, "Is she mental? It's only a class at the local gym. Lighten up!")

And there's the rub. How do I loosen up without going into unsafe territory? But how do I get to where I want to be without loosening up?

For now, I'll run more sprint drills, try to loosen up while I run, box or kick and check myself (before I wreck myself).